


i wanna really hold you and feel the ground beneath my feet

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Supportive Aaron, robert talks about bisexuality, still a lot of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-29 01:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: “did you lose a deal?” aaron asks and robert looks up at him. his husband doesn’t look annoyed, patiently waiting for robert to answer him.“no” he shakes his head. he takes a deep breath and squeezes at aaron’s hand. “something did happen at work, but i actually got the deal, that makes me feel even worse i guess.”or, robert deals with a client who's less than pleasant, it brings back all sorts of feelings and aaron is there to listen.





	i wanna really hold you and feel the ground beneath my feet

**Author's Note:**

> here's a fic about robert talking about his sexuality because it's my jam! 
> 
> just a waring this fic does deal with biphobia. it's not throughout the whole fic but at some point robert tells aaron what the client said/implied. it also deals a lot with all sorts of feelings that fellow bisexuals can possibly relate to <3333
> 
> (i am projecting basically lmao!)

He didn’t think it would upset him this much. He feels_ guilt _gnawing inside of him because of it, guilty for letting it get to him. He’s glad he’s alone right now and hopes he will be for the rest of the afternoon. He sighs, closing his eyes quickly against the burn of his tears. He picks up the little frame on his desk, it makes him smile and he feels himself calm down a bit. Aaron and Seb are smiling back at him and it makes Robert emotional to think that they are the ones who can make him feel better always, even if that exact photo had been the thing that kicked it all off. He sighs again, his smile fading because he feels like a fraud, a liar and the worst thing is that he’s starting to believe it again, even after everything. Why did it only take one comment to tear him down like that? That’s what makes him feel so guilty he thinks, the way he can so easily start to doubt himself and everything else when he knows who he is, so why is it still so hard sometimes? Robert knows what this feeling reminds him off, know who the client reminds him off and suddenly it's like he's 15 again.

But he’s not. He’s safe and loved and he knows who he is. It’s what he tells himself even though he is still shaky on his legs, even though he still feels like the whole world is watching him right now, sees him questioning all of it. He quickly grabs his keys, phone and coat and locks the cabin door behind him. He was kidding himself pretending he could stay in there working all afternoon, he just wants to go home, just wants to see Aaron.

He feels embarrassingly disappointed when he gets home and sees his husband’s car missing, only now remembering Aaron has a job on and he’s still alone. He busies himself making a cup of tea and settles down in front of the television, he loves a bit of daytime telly but nothing manages to grab his attention for longer than a few minutes. The guilt is still there, now with the guilt of having given himself a day off added to it. What happened was nothing, he wills himself to believe, so why can’t he just move on and forget about it. Robert sips at the rest of his tea, debating whether he’s going to tell Aaron about what had happened. There isn’t anything he can hide from his husband nowadays, he doesn’t even want to most of the time but he feels silly and ridiculous and doesn’t want to give his husband any reason to think so too.

His eyes flicker open to the sound of a soft voice and a hand going through his hair. Robert blinks a few times before he’s met with his husband crouching in front of him, a worried expression on his face.

“Hey” he croaks out.

“Rob- hey. Are you alright?” The younger man almost seems relieved.

Robert frowns, quickly thinking of possible reasons that could have made Aaron look so concerned.

“Course I am- just had a nap” Robert’s answer doesn’t manage to get rid of his husband’s frown, in fact he seems even more confused. “But you never nap do ya? Only when you’re ill or very tired. I thought you’d slept alright, and why aren’t you at work?” Aaron rambles on and Robert gets it. He doesn’t usually nap, and yeah he was supposed to be at work. He sighs and moves to sit up, Aaron still crouched in front of him.

Robert smiles, reaching out to pull Aaron next to him on the couch.

“I am fine honestly- just fell asleep I guess. I am not ill.”

“Did ya sack off work early then?”

“Something like that” Robert says, looking at Aaron’s hand that he’s still holding in his own.

“Nice try Rob- I know ya remember. You don’t seem yourself and I know it’s not because you have just woken up from a nap. You seem upset.”

Robert doesn’t even know how Aaron can tell, he genuinely feels better after some sleep and waking up to his husband being home. He sighs, knows there’s no point in lying anyway. He would want to know if anything had upset his husband wouldn’t he?

“Did you lose a deal?” Aaron asks and Robert looks up at him. His husband doesn’t look annoyed, patiently waiting for Robert to answer him.

“No” he shakes his head. He takes a deep breath and squeezes at Aaron’s hand. “Something did happen at work, but I actually got the deal, that makes me feel even worse I guess.”

He takes a moment, trying to work out where to start the actual story when Aaron works it out. “Client was a prick?”

And Robert decides to just take it from there.

“I- he saw the photo on my desk, the one of you and Seb.” He can’t hide his smile when he says it, a sense of pride suddenly overwhelming him and it makes him feel strong enough to carry on. “He knew me, well I mean we’ve known each other for a long time. He used to know Lawrence. I guess he's always trusted me, so even now he comes to me with deals and stuff” he trails off, dares to glance at his husband, who’s still watching him with kind eyes.

“Before today, I hadn’t seen him in ages, we spoke over the phone and stuff but-“ Robert realises he’s rambling, giving himself the time to find the right words.

“Anyway, so he saw the photo and I guess it clicked straight away. I saw him looking at my hand, searching for a ring. He did know I divorced Chrissie. He was looking at me as if to challenge me you know?” He dares to look at the younger man again, Aaron seems to understand where all this is going and already has that familiar look on his face, one of concern but also the one that makes him look like he’s ready to deck someone any minute.

“He asked me whether you and Seb were special to me, referring to the photo. I told him you’re my husband, and Seb’s our little boy. And he just turned nasty but it was different I don’t know I-“ Robert isn’t sure how to explain it to Aaron and he can already feel the anger radiating from his husband, he wants to reassure Aaron that it’s fine when the younger man interrupts him.

“Robert, what do you mean, what was different?” Aaron asks frowning, he’s still wearing a stony expression but his eyes are searching Robert’s face. 

“I- it was as if his nastiness wasn’t even towards us or what we have but it was more towards me. He said things, asked if I lied to Chrissie, or if I was lying to you. I told him I like both but he just sneered, mumbled something about me telling myself that. I know it’s silly but it just made me feel- small, I guess. Made me worry about what others think, if they think I am lying to myself and to you.

“Rob-“ he now feels both of Aaron’s hands holding his hand and he looks up at his husband. “Rob, he was being biphobic okay? It wasn’t right Robert, because he made you doubt yourself and tried to imply your feelings weren’t valid and that wasn’t ok. I don’t claim to know I understand it, but I do know that no one should make you doubt yourself over your sexuality. I know I’ve said things to you in the past that I still regret and I am so sorry about that. But I can tell you that you’re not silly, not at all and you’re entitled to feel whatever you’re feeling. That man is a prick who had no right to make you feel like that.” Aaron has tears in his eyes and Robert is once again reminded of the fact that his husband is the most compassionate person he’s ever known. He feels overwhelmed with his husband’s unwavering love and support.

“Thank you” he stammers, wants to say so much more but there’s a lump in his throat and he wants to say too much he can’t put into words.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of Robert’s hand. The moment so tender and everything Robert needs.

“Yeah, yeah I am just- I think I needed to hear that” Robert says, the honesty making him almost nervous.

“I hope you didn’t think that you couldn’t tell me, because of the things I’ve said in the past.”

“No it wasn’t that- I just felt silly I guess. Because even after all these years of knowing who i am, and even years after coming out properly it still got to me.” Aaron nods supportively and Robert smiles, loves his husband so much. Robert knows that Aaron probably doesn’t quite understand, hell he doesn’t even understand it himself half the time, but he’s trying and it’s more than enough.

“When I was figuring stuff out years and years ago-“ Robert starts, suddenly wanting to get it all out- “I had feelings of doubt all the time and I used it to convince myself I was straight, that people couldn’t feel this way. Then things got better and I got better and even then, that feeling of doubt, the idea that I was lying to myself was still there. I still feel that way sometimes- not only today. I'll suddenly get that overwhelming feeling of being some kind of liar. It’s hard to explain because I know I am in love with you, fancy you and want you every day- I don’t doubt that ever. But then someone will mention Chrissie or Katie, who seem so far away now, and i'll feel that doubt again even though I know I did love them. I don’t know if that made any sense, I just wanted to try and explain I guess” Robert looks up sheepishly and sees his husband looking concerned.

“Aaron it’s not- I promise I don’t doubt us, it’s just this voice in my head telling me it isn’t possible.”

“Robert, I know, I know.” Aaron squeezes his hand, that's still being held protectively in both of his. “I am not worried about that. I just hate that I played a part in ever making you doubt things, or made you feel bad about your bisexuality.”

“Aaron it’s okay, things- well they were bad then.”

“It’s not okay and it isn’t an excuse Robert. I was insecure yeah, but I shouldn’t ever have made that about your sexuality and I am sorry. I love you okay? I love every part of you and I won’t ever be able to put into words how proud I am of you. After everything you have been through, after all those years stuggling, tryna figure things out on your own, look at you now. Out and proud.”

Robert scoffs, trying to supress the feeling of not deserving someone like Aaron. “I am not sure about that.”

“I am. Because what’s his face was a total dick, but you told him. You told him you’re bi and you told him about us and you didn’t even have to. And I see it every day Robert, the way you love our family and don’t care who knows it. You’re strong and brave and I don’t tell you enough but you are. And you are proud of who you are because I see it in everything you do. Yeah, I do wish you were kinder to yourself at times but we’re working on that yeah?”

Robert nods, pretty sure he is close to bursting into tears. He can’t even begin to find the words to respond to everything Aaron’s just said, so he says the one thing that’s always been easy to say when it comes to his husband “I love you too you know, so much.”

“C’mere” and Robert feels himself being pulled into Aaron’s arms.

“Rob-“ Aaron mumbles against his shoulder.

“Yeah.”

Aaron detaches himself slightly, biting his lip nervously. “I know you probably won’t like the idea but- have you ever looked on you know, websites and stuff about bisexuality and read other people’s stories. I just- I hate that I can’t help you the way I want to. I just want to make things better.”

“Aaron” Robert breathes, shaking his head. “You help me every day, you are helping me right this minute aren't ya? I feel better because of you. You have been a massive part of this whole journey you do know that don’t you? I know who I am now and I feel good about it because you gave me the time and space I needed. You listened to me and helped me more than you’ll ever now. I’ve said it before and will say it again, you’ve changed my life Aaron. Don’t ever think you don’t help me, because you do.”

“I’m supposed to be supporting you right now, idiot” Aaron laughs and Robert reaches out to wipe the tears from the younger man’s face. “I have looked stuff up in the past. It’s nice yeah, to know that other people recognize what you’re experiencing. Maybe I will look some stuff up again sometime” he says, watches Aaron beam, nodding his head enthusiastically.

“I am here though, always, if you ever want to talk, I won’t be weird about it.”

“I know, I love you.”

“Love you more.”

“Sure about that are ya?”

“Oh I am.”

Robert laughs, the prick at work all but forgotten. He’s happy, happy that he gets to have this. He thinks about the way he used to be, unhappy, scared and angry. Aaron’s right, _look at me now._

He sits up a bit but only to move even closer to Aaron, and rests his head against his shoulder feeling Aaron’s head on top of his just seconds later. He’s _proud,_ he realises, he feels it buzzing though him. He’s proud of himself, proud of the younger version of himself and proud of the person he is now.

But most of all he’s proud of his little family and the whole world is allowed to know.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! x


End file.
